Forgiveness and a Short Memory are the Best Defence against Divorce!
by: jameswalsh
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Word Count: 746
The ideal place to learn these values should be your church, synagogue or temple. Such sacred endeavour will not only help you with your marital problems, but will provide you with the requisite wisdom and spiritual peace, necessary to move ahead in life.
Forgiveness is not always about Religion
Though I am myself to some extent a devoutly religious person, still I strongly hold that religion is not the only source of ethics and values. To forgive the mistakes of your loved ones and other people, you certainly do not need to be religious. Infact, the beauty of this age old religious principle of ‘forgiving and forgetting’ lies in the fact that, it even appeals to every logical and secular attempt at analysis and evaluation. On the contrary, even if you are a religious minded person, this does not means that you will always succeed in ignoring the trespasses of the people close to your heart. This article intends to appeal to one’s sense of logic and reason, though it has borrowed some valuable ideas from various religious sources.
Marriage and Tolerance
The biggest victims of this contemporary trend towards lack of tolerance and patience are the institutions of marriage and family. Today’s individualistic society encourages people to be unrealistically demanding in their relationships. Issues raised over petty problems degenerate into a full scale marital conflict leading to a divorce. Inability of contemporary institutions of education and instruction to successfully replace the role played by the Church as a custodian of family values leaves young couples confused and frustrated. Positive qualities like compromise, patience, tolerance and forgiveness are looked upon as symptoms of weakness and inferiority.
Have a Realistic Self Concept
I do not know what communication experts say about the divine quality of forgiveness. On the basis of my personal experience I have realized that people who find it hard to forgive the minor mistakes of their spouses often have an unrealistically inflated self concept and a predilection towards perfectionism. I do agree that all people are not born with equal abilities, but it is also true that the most abominable of ideologies are often based on a haughty and arrogant sense of personal identity. For example the intolerance of Nazis towards Jews and coloured races was based on their mythical notion of being a highly superior race tracing it origins to the Aryans.
At a microcosmic level, do not people become a victim of a similar mentality in their marital lives? Do you genuinely feel that you are ethically, academically, intellectually or aesthetically superior to your spouse? Do you have a tendency to be a perfectionist? Do you regard yourself to be practically or morally infallible? If you are prone to any of these attributes, then I can say without doubt that you must certainly be having a serious problem with forgiving and forgetting the mistakes or deficiencies of your spouse. Any attempt to be humble, realistic and generous in your approach will certainly not make you weak, but a very amicable person.
A Practical Experiment
People caught in situations of marital discord often regard themselves to be on the receiving end and unreasonably exaggerate the trespasses and deficiencies of their spouses. Let me suggest to you a simple experiment. For the time, stop criticizing your spouse. Buy a new pocket diary and everyday note down in it all the instances and incidents which you yourself feel, could be considered to be a mistake in your dealings with your spouse. Do this for a week. No doubt, at the end of the week you will be surprised to see that your diary is full of such observations. Now when you are yourself so fallible, don’t you think that your poor spouse deserves some understanding and forgiveness from you.
Life is about Holding On and Letting Go
A happy married life is primarily about striking a balance between the tendencies to hold on and letting go. Remember that even the most well intentioned and reasonable of spouses often commit some mistakes in their day today marital life. Do not hold on to the pardonable faults and frailties of your spouse. Stop being unreasonably angry, upset or depressed about what your partner did or did not do. Let go all the long suppressed feelings of resentment and grudging. This will not only improve your marital life, but will have a positive effect on your physical and psychological health.
About the Author
James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you want to find out more about a solicitor managed divorce see http://www.managed-divorce.co.uk
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