A Man’s Survival Guide to the Year After his Divorce

by: jameswalsh
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Word Count: 687

It is statistically proven that, in majority of the cases, it is the woman who initiates the divorce. For her, exiting from a bad marriage is a huge relief (never mind, as to what constitutes a ‘bad marriage’!). It is an escape to something better.

For the man, however, there is no such getaway. Even if he finds the marriage to be stifling, he would love to come home to a well-maintained house and the kids. Moreover, since most often, the male tends to invest a lot of money to create a cosy home, his home is his kingdom and he is the reigning monarch.

It is no surprise that post-divorce, women tend to fare better than men. A divorced man is like an island surrounded by the stormy winds of emotion around him. He cannot be without being affected, but there is no outward sign of poor effects. Men usually rely on themselves to tide over the storm and do not solicit the help of friends, family or support groups, in their hour of distress. Men are poor at expressing their inner feelings and, therefore, withhold them most of the time.

Men are conditioned by their genes to take on the mantle of providing for the family. He sets about achieving that in the only way that he knows. Wholeheartedly chasing this objective, without realising that his wife also expects his steady companionship and regular emotional contact, he finds out the hard way that his services are no longer required. That is too much to swallow for any male’s self-respect and ego. Men also tend to think that they are personally responsible for this failure. His feelings are hurt by the court’s usual verdict of awarding child custody to the mother. To add further insult to his injury, he is also told to cough up maintenance for his undeserving wife.

In reality, the divorced men are viewed as the cause for the divorce and, hence, they are treated unfairly by society. Their children are poisoned against them, their visitation hours are curtailed and they are treated rudely. In short, they are not usually forgiven either by the ex-spouse or by the children and are not allowed to develop any sort of long-term emotional bonds towards his ex-family. A lonely home shorn of love and a life without attachment make single divorced men, miserable.

They hit the bottle hard or drift into temporary relationships, overwork or adopt a reckless behavioural tilt. Some of them just can't take the punishment of loneliness and end it by taking their own lives. The manner in which they are forced to accept or listen to their shortcomings, from their own loved ones and family members, as if they had consciously engineered the break-up of their own marriage, emasculates the male’s pride. Depression also occurs in many a divorced single male.

Wash the dirty linen of marriage (the truth or untruth) in full public view i.e. in the court. He detests it. The long drawn court procedures and the lengthy, descriptive arguments test the mental stability of the go-it-alone male. There is deep pent-up anger and tons of stress involved in the court battle. It takes a toll on his health, especially because men generally pay least attention to their own health. In this situation, he also does not have the caring of his partner who would have (under normal circumstances) sensed his receding health and taken remedial action.

After the divorce, men would definitely do better, if they seek professional help in setting their lives right. Though they may be financially well-off than their divorced wife, the divorced male must avoid the temptation to indulge in a financial binge or to participate in uncontrolled pleasure catering to the senses.

Continuing to maintain a cordial relationship with the ex-spouse brightens the possibility of nurturing a permanent emotional bond with his children.

Investing time and energy into meaningful friendships and participating in social events can help the divorced male in coping with the pervading loneliness. It also gives him a chance to find that ideal partner and to rebuild his life.

A divorced man need not divorce his manly strength.

About the Author

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you want to find out more about a solicitor managed divorce see http://www.managed-divorce.co.uk

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