Can there be a Marriage after Infidelity?

by: jameswalsh
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Originally, the short form of this word (i.e. infidel) was used in the context of religion (by power mongers), to identify and inflict dreadful punishments on those who were perceived to be a negative influence on their domination over the flock. Today the term ‘infidelity’ which crops up frequently, to describe extra marital indiscretions, is indicative of the beginnings of a widespread disease. But you can prevent it or even cure it. Read on.

Like most diseases, its symptom is recognizable, if only you pay attention to the major telltale sign and recognize it.

A spouse is unfaithful if they are guilty of diminished interest in the partner and an increasing attachment to another person. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Your spouse is not paying attention to you or the family (the way he or she normally does) and is increasingly hostile, without any apparent reason. The spouse brings up the other person’s name constantly in various contexts. The channels of communication between both the partners, is purposely reduced to the minimum. Attendant to these major symptoms are the host of other cannot-be-ignored symptoms like coming home late, frequent away-from-home trips on official matters, reduced and dull sex life etc. Heed these warning signs before it is too late.

Infidelity primarily occurs, due to the failure of the spouse to meet a need. It can be an emotional need (lone of the partners is not feeling wanted) or a physical need (dissatisfaction in sex). According to most surveys, the need for sex (more sex, thrill of secret sex, variety in sex, sexual curiosity of a specific person) and the feeling of gaining importance, ranked as the top two reasons, for infidelity by men. Women strayed into infidelity, primarily for regaining a feeling of emotional intimacy and romance along with a re-affirmation of their physical desirability. Statistics revealed that more than 65% of married men cheated on their wives.

When your worst fears and suspicions are confirmed, infidelity reduces the moorings of family life close to the point of breakage. Being bound by social ties and concepts, an act of betrayal automatically arouses the worst, in human beings unlike in the case of animals or birds. Few partners try to understand why it happened. Most affected partners are angry that they are on the receiving end. The element of suspicion densely surrounds the home. Every act, every bit of communication is isolated and examined for further proof of infidelity by the suffering partner.

The spouse who has committed this inconsiderate act, further emboldened by the fact that, the indiscretion is now out in the open, continues indulging in it as if it has been legitimized. Even if the errant spouse mends his / her ways, peace only reigns until the recurrence of the first perceived act. The home gets polarized into two halves – those who have been wronged (always includes the children) and the wrong-doer. The door to divorce opens and the couple will find their way to it, unless a guarantee is evoked that the infidelity will never recur.

Nipping infidelity in the bud is easier and a far more comprehensive cure than surgically excising it in full bloom. The easiest path to tread, in order to restore your marriage, is to reveal the infidelity, to your partner at the earliest, before it is discovered. That gives a very big boost to the recovery process as it indicates that the deed was unknowingly done or that the person wants to reverse the damage. An understanding partner will try to help remove the cause for the infidelity or try to fulfill the deficient need.

If the partner is not the exact replica of an ideal spouse, get help from a qualified counselor experienced in dealing with marital therapy and tackling infidelity. But be sure that both of you want to mend the problem. Give time to each other - to understand, to establish normal communication, to make up for the hurt caused by this selfish act, to forgive and to forget. Set goals on which both of you agree, as being flexible enough, to achieve common desires and at the same time allow a fair latitude of freedom.

Of course, for all these efforts to fruition, it is very important that even the shadow of the lover should not be anywhere in the near vicinity. Move place or get the lover to move away (legally, please). It is very important to ensure that all contact, however small, in person or through the phone /email etc., from the former lover is kept away.

In all cases of infidelity, there is a ‘withdrawal’ stage or ‘forced denial’ stage. Once the couple takes a decision to rectify the situation and the object of desire is no longer available, it usually will lead to a lack of interest, resentment or anger in the person who has been denied the object, for a few weeks. This is the test of fire for rebuilding the marriage. Experts generally advise that an understanding of the reasons behind the partner’s behaviour during this stage facilitates quick and lasting re-building of the relationship to normality.

The key advice given to the partners at this stage is, do not go overboard in trying to make up for all the deficiencies that caused the infidelity, overnight. It will be a waste of time and effort because the pleasant portion of the infidelity (and the most dangerous, for the recovery process) is yet to be wiped out from memory. Do get the aid of medication, as they can also help relieve the pain.

After a period of time, the actual re-building of trust and the relationship can be firmly scheduled. The key to this re-building is very simple. Spend more time and put in more effort, for your relationship. Also learn to accept that, in order to bring trust into your lives, it is natural that at times your spouse would want to know the what, when and why of certain activities that you undertake or of almost all of them. This is in the best interests of the rebuilding process. After a point of time, these intrusions will subside. Do not hesitate to show affection or spend quality time with your spouse. Open up your communication channels, have fun, enjoy sex, be more caring and nice than you have been before.

The magic mantra to ensure that infidelity does not raise its ugly head, is a combination of many qualities. Never lie. Do not neglect your partner’s needs. Communicate. Learn to understand, forgive and forget.

About the Author

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com

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