How Behaviour Adversely Affects a Marriage

by: jameswalsh
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Abusive Behaviour: It is primarily obsessive controlling behaviour. Abusive behaviour begins as a form of protective love. It should change after marriage. It is minor during the first few years of marriage. Perhaps this is the reason it is hardly noticed. As marital focus shifts, so does abusive behaviour.

Types of Abusive Behaviour

Minor Abusive Behaviour: Newly married males want to control all aspects of spousal behaviour and action. It can be seen as a form of protective love. But it is irritating and frustrating. Generally, it goes unnoticed. But if unidentified and untreated, it can become a major abuse issue. Minor abusive behaviour can cause chinks in the marriage armour. It can cause a marriage to sour. It involves:

Selfish and Callous Behaviour: This means that the spouse uses up all family resources and reserves without thinking of familial goals and needs. The male spouse gives more importance to individual goal and desire fulfillment. Such behaviour causes problems when there are children in the family unit.

Men are basically selfish and egocentric in nature. Family values of altruism, acceptance and sharing are low as compared to that in women. Men feel that everything has to revolve around them. Their existence and individual need fulfillment determines the family existence. It demands professional intervention. Minor abusive selfish behaviour is cause for frequent arguments.

It can lead up to physical abuse of pushing and kicking. This usually happens when the wife begins to question such behaviour. Men find it demeaning to explain themselves. Such behaviour is specified by actions such as:

Controlling family finances and siphoning off funds to fulfill individual desires
Relegating family needs and expectations to second place. This is done by not attending family meetings, outings and social functions.
Not allowing the wife to pursue any professional work. It also involves restricting her social circle.

Demeaning & Critical Behaviour: This is another crucial aspect of minor abusive behaviour. It usually occurs due to male non-acceptance of changing gender roles in family. Men cannot see women as equals. They feel demeaned and humiliated. Social psychologists argue that educated and empowered women threaten the position of men in family and society as a whole.

Minor abusive behaviour takes shape. It takes the form of a questioning and critical attitude. Husbands constantly criticise their wives. They disrespect their decisions and usually defy their advice. This usually occurs in social functions.

It can even occur in front of children. The husband may jokingly refer to his wife's disciplinary behaviour towards children as stupid. It can be a joke and be laughed at. It seems harmless on the surface. But underneath there is resentment of having to deal with a questioning and decisive informed wife. The husband knows that the wife will not argue with him in front of everyone. He uses the opportunity to shred her to pieces. He makes caustic remarks, disrespects her judgements and abuses her verbally.

It can also involve using the children as middlemen. The father can make the children accessories of criticising the mother. This subtle abusive behaviour can become physical and sexual. The focus of this behaviour is to gain dominance over the truant wife.

Being Common in Men: Such behaviour is rampant in men. Men, have to deal with changing social roles and attitudes. Their personality and gene structure also propells them to rebel against these changes. Social psychologists feel that men are deeply affected by the changes. Their role and position in family and society is threatened. The woman is questioning it. The woman who was subordinate and inferior to them is now their equal. They resort to such abusive behaviour to keep the woman in control.

Treatment: It is imperative that such behaviour is treated in infancy. Usually, professional intervention is sought when this behaviour starts becoming noticeable. The symptoms are:

Major physical abuse of kicking in the stomach, beating with blunt instruments and mutilation
Sexual abuse i.e. being forced to sex with spouse and others

Professional therapy starts with frank self talk. Here, the individual is directed to talk openly about his own emotions, thoughts and perceptions. It gives an insight into the personality of the individual. It also helps the therapist to determine how deep the abusive behaviour has become.

The therapist uses several behavioural exercises to determine individual attitudes towards family members. This is followed by a family session marked by free communication and discussion. The therapist has to recede into the background and take notes. It is the job of the therapist to discover and deal with the familial causes of such behaviour.

The objectives of the therapy are two-pronged. The individual has to end the minor abusive behaviour. He has to determine that such behaviour never recurs.

About the Author

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you want to find out more about a solicitor managed divorce see http://www.managed-divorce.co.uk

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